Eyes Are The Window to the Blah, Blah, Blah

My Lovely Man’s just had his right eye removed, which makes him my Lovely One-Eyed Man (my LOEM). The eye was replaced with a wee bowling ball, wrapped in human sclera and protected by a plastic cap that will be replaced in two weeks by a big contact lens  painted to look like a regular eye.

I brought him home looking like Micky Rourke after a bad night. This was okay because all i could see was a puffy mush of purple eyelids and some leaky blood. I was all sweetness and light and compassion.

Two days later his swelling reduced and he opened those eyelids.  For the first time we saw the bowling ball, which is a solid, dark maroon colour as far as I can tell.

The sight of it took my legs out from under me. Figuratively, i mean. I didn’t actually drop, but Jesus Murphy, i worked hard to stop myself from crying with the shock of it.

We have this thing about eyes: Windows to the soul, truth detectors, the thing that differentiates us from evil robots, bad-guy terminators, and dead things, soulless things.

I had more than i realized invested in these associations, and for a short time it broke my heart to see something other than Pat’s eye where Pat’s eye used to be.

It scared me to look at him. (I am completely ashamed of this.)

Then, by the Grace of Something, i remembered the waiting room full of people in hospital gowns preparing to have body bits removed. I remembered all the patients i love who have fewer breasts, lungs, kidneys, fingers, and toes than the rest of us.

More than that, it dawns on me that i hack myself to pieces whenever and wherever i amputate love — for his new face, for many of my own body parts all my life, for this moment when i’d rather be somewhere else, for the world in general on a bad day.  We’re all missing bits, when you think about it.

And i realize it’s absurd to assume Pat’s missing anything has anything to do with his soul or spirit.

Bring on the wee bowling ball. I will love this face.

Thanks for the lesson in love.  Thank you for the conversation,


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11 Responses to Eyes Are The Window to the Blah, Blah, Blah

  1. Penny Cameron says:

    Dearest Kristin, my thoughts are with you and your Sweetie Pie. I will, if I may, pass this story on to a couple of friends, who need to share this as much as I do, especially this bit, “More than that, it dawns on me that i hack myself to pieces whenever and wherever i amputate love — for his new face, for many of my own body parts all my life, for this moment when i’d rather be somewhere else, for the world in general on a bad day. We’re all missing bits, when you think about it.”

    Thank you for you and your blog, your thoughts which you so freely share…

  2. absolutely amazing and inspiring and dare I say, eye opening in so many ways! Many thanks and be well!!

  3. Patricia says:

    I so look forward to every blog and this one took my breath away. What insightful and wonderful perspective on a daunting situation for anyone to be gifted. Thank you for the gentle reminders about what is truly important. Speedy healing and love to both of you.

  4. Emily T says:

    Thank you for sharing such a difficult experience – it was beautifully written, for what it’s worth. Best wishes to you and your Pat.

  5. David & Laura says:

    Kristin, even in the midst of this trial, your brutal honesty & self-evaluation show more of your soul & love, than most do in a lifetime. Know that your Pat will only be “different” for a while, then your eyes & heart will adjust to seeing him afresh, & loving him more.

    We love you, & are praying!

  6. Marie Robbins (friend of Judi Race) says:

    Thank you so much for your amazing insights into what it is like to be human and living the mystery. You reach me and that’s a good thing.

  7. richard says:

    What you have, and will have, gained through this “loss” is beyond measure: true sight. :o)

  8. Kristin … have thought about you and Pat and the journey you are on so much. Truth is I would have given any limb, any body part in trade for a healthy soul. You can learn to compensate after the loss of a body part (or so I’ve seen on TV) and be happy and live a full life. But, with a gaping wound in your soul, there is never any happiness and no love. And love IS all there is. Gratefully, I’m learning that as my soul heals. That has been a wonderful journey too. Just isn’t as apparent as losing an appendage.

    Love following your journey. Thanks for making me think about mine.


  9. nanci farella says:

    Oh Kristin … I was just telling a mutual friend of ours the other day, how you would be the first person I would call if(God forbid)anything tragic was to happen in my world.
    I appreciate your outlook on this life we are all living and the ability you have to see beyond the obvious.
    Hugs, many many hugs to you, Pat & Rosie! Miss you all and so glad you are home.


  10. Nenette says:

    I am humbled by your honesty. I am inspired by your courage. I am grateful for this conversation.

  11. Claudia says:

    Dear Kristin
    Thanks for talking and sharing with us this experience. I’m sure everything will be okay because love is a powerful energy that has the ability to go beyond the things we see.
    Greetings and prayers from Costa Rica.

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