Why Meditate? Got a Grudge?

I had a grudge going this week. Full-out, personal, justified, thorny, supported by anyone to whom i presented my case, consuming, blood-pressure-raising, unattractive yet perversely seductive, impossible to let go, and exhausting.

That’s one truth.

Here’s another. I know that a week from now i’ll feel differently. In fact, if i don’t feel differently a week from now, if i haven’t moved past this, i’ll have no interest in living with myself.

That’s a funny thing about grudges. You’re okay with them in the moment. They feel good in some awful sliver-in-your-finger way, but jesus murphy, you don’t want to identify yourself as a grudge holder, you don’t want to be one of those semi-permanent bitter folk. (I picture rollers in stringy hair, gnarly knuckes, a wrinkled face under fluorescent factory lights, and cigarette smoke curling up from a thin, bitter mouth. Evil Bette Davis eyes. This could be me, i know it could.)

This is why i meditate today. In order to remind myself that who i am is deeper than a grudge, deeper than who’s to blame, deeper than the temptation to judge. Deeper than all the stuff I get right and all of the stuff I get wrong. Deeper than success and failure. Deeper than most of what goes on all day long.

Who i really am hums with a different crowd: with love, peace, good will, compassion, beauty everywhere i look, and peace.

When i don’t meditate, i fight my grudges.

When i do meditate, i remember who i am and wrap my grudges in love until they look like love inside and out.

Is that reason enough to meditate? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks for the conversation,

kristin

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4 Responses to Why Meditate? Got a Grudge?

  1. Lynette says:

    I love your writing! And I love how you say you wrap your grudges in love until they look like love inside out. That’s what I’m doing with my worries today. Is there a reason NOT to meditate, I wonder?
    Thank you for the inspiration you pass on. Peace xo

  2. Tiffany says:

    Hmmm. I am feeling a lot of anger towards someone at the moment and it’s been making me avoid meditation (it’s hard to reconcile my two selves maybe). Thanks for the reminder that it should be pushing me even closer to meditation …

  3. Judirace says:

    I love that you call them “seductive” ….’ tis true…….once again , thanx for the insight.

  4. Mel says:

    Meditation is a great practice, challenging and rewarding. If you find yourself getting bogged down and taking it too seriously check this book out, compiled from the illustrated journals of a small group of practitioners, about the universal challenges, humiliations, or special moments inherent in meditating.
    Sit Illustrated: So, what’s funny about meditation?
    http://www.sitillustrated.com
    A good way to lighten up!
    Thanks and best wishes with your work.

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